Corbin’s FTM Pre-Testosterone Journal

A Journal about beginning the transition process and preparing for my first testosterone injection

Early November 2003 : Beginning the FTM Pre-Testosterone Journal

Jesse and I were talking several nights ago about my love for being Corbin. Jesse has been constantly asking if I believe that I will eventually wish to transition, to become Corbin.
I have been dressing as a man consistently for about two weeks and much to my surprise, I have found that as Corbin, I feel much different than I did before; I feel much more comfortable when I am dressed as Corbin.
Jesse got the idea that I was transgender when we first met. She is very in touch with the TG community, and if anyone is familiar with the qualities in a TG person, she is. Whatever the case, she claims that I have a particular essence about me that most TG people have.
We I were talking the other night while I was picking at the wall next to my bed, curled up as usual and having a conversation, as usual. Jesse brought up Corbin. We were talking about something, oh yea, how she had always known that I was TG, and what my impression of this was. (At the time I identified as CD and TV, however I was aware that I was TS—it’s that, you know, whole denial thing) She said to me “J-, you are a transsexual.” I remember that moment exactly, in fact, I’ll probably never forget it. Leading up to this I had been concerned about my love for being Corbin so it’s not like this statement totally through me off—it just said what I refused to say myself(silly, isn’t it?). In my heart of hearts I knew it was true. She asked me later that night if I was even able to say it. I didn’t answer, and then I bluffed my way through it. The next day I began to research all of the FTM sites, actually the lack of them, and when I looked at the transition process for FtM’s, I immediately felt at home. It’s really amazing how quickly you can realize something about yourself when you’ve never considered it before. It seems like I knew that I wanted to start testosterone, except I ran into one problem, my parents. There is no way that I would be able to fully hide the effects of testosterone from them. I’m still not sure now. I know I want to be Corbin, but I don’t want to have to deal with all the stress that my parents would put on me. Oh yea, and Jesse says she knows something else about me that I either haven’t mentioned, or that I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, but transsexual is hard to beat.
My viewpoint on the transition process can be summed up in a quote by John Keats:

“Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties,
mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.”

Oh yea, and being called sir is great!
 

November 31, 2003

Jesse and I were talking the other night while parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot. We decided it would be good if I started a journal describing my thoughts and feelings describing this whole transsexual ordeal. I agreed with her (can you tell?).
I woke up this morning thinking about Corbin, or more precisely, being Corbin. I was at my parent’s house over Thanksgiving and I left my softie with Jesse for fear of it being discovered. I had gone one day without it and that day was difficult. I felt that a part of me was missing. Even without it I still may be Corbin, but Corbin is not complete. I was sitting in the bathtub and looking down—there was no penis there and my breasts were sticking out. Now my breasts may be lovely and natural, but I question them sometimes. I’m not really sure what I want to do with them. Having a penis and breasts is not my thing. This isn’t for social reasons but for physical. So to get back to what I was thinking:

I looked down and thought I want to be Corbin. Again. I keep thinking this and every time I want to banish that thought. I was born a girl. I was born a female. Male? That’s a big transition.

Lately I’ve been reading Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, author of The Virgin Suicides. It is about a hermaphrodite who switches from female to male later in his life. Since reading this book I keep thinking, or wishing more so that there could be a definite explanation for my wish to be Corbin. Explaining the whole TG thing to my parents would be much easier if I could have a crutch of some sort. I guess I can keep hoping.

I wanted to be a boy ever since I was a child. When I was five I would stand in the bathtub patting bubble bath suds on my face and talking in the mirror like a man. By six I was pretending to be Superman and when my parents weren’t looking, I would stuff a sock into my underwear.

December 2003

I’m doing quite well now. My friends have gradually gotten use to Corbin (many still call me Jacki, but hey!). One thing that I love about my friends is that they are pretty much the most open-minded people out there so telling them that I wanted to physically alter my appearance only peaked their curiosity alongside the “ok” that they responded with. I returned home for Christmas and I think that my father has detected a change in me…maybe this is just paranoia.
 

January 5, 2003

I finally admitted to Jesse that I really do want to physically transition. As you might be able to tell by the word “admitted,” this was not as simple as saying hello to a passerby–it actually took quite a bit of effort. I have been telling my friends that just because I want to transition, doesn’t mean that I am going to transition. There is a big gap between wanting to do something and actually doing it.
For starters, transitioning from one physical sex to another is a pretty big deal and the emotional ride that goes along with explaining this to family has to be enormous. One of the things that scares me the most about transitioning is how it will affect me in the future. I mean, what if Jesse and I did not work out?

How many girls out there are jumping to date a transsexual?

Basically everything boils down to fear–I am afraid that if I do transition, I will not be happy with the results.
 

February 10, 2004

I am having trouble with my thoughts about transition, not because I don’t want to, but because I fear of facing my folks.
Today also marks the first day that I tried standing up to pee. I was a bit self-conscious at first but Jesse and I made a deal that we would both do it, mainly to comfort me. Afterwards, I had the urge to yell out “THAT WAS LIBERATING!” I’m sure my fellow suite-mates would be disturbed.
 

February 29, 2004

I have been posting on various message boards on the internet to get feedback on what to add to the site. On one board I asked a very personal question and stated that this issue was a worry of mine. I received replies back that the worry I was having–although they did not say it directly–was not up to par with what I “should” be worrying about. Apparently, I should be worrying more about surgery and transitioning rather than these little petty things that concern me. It is unfortunate to see that the community is so overwhelmed by surgical and physical worries that the little things no longer matter much.
In my personal opinion it is the little things who make up who you are and who we are is what we should be searching for before the transitioning and even during the transitioning process because, let’s face it, transsexuality is about self-discovery. So I find that if I complete myself with the little things (in this case allowing myself certain similarities to men), then the big things won’t be so big–the little ones allow us to see who we really are so that when we do take a step as large as surgery, we are sure of our decision, and more confident and comfortable.
 

April 5, 2004

Recently I went to one of the local FTM support groups and several things struck me as noteworthy. Most significantly, my desire to transition is much stronger. Initially, I wanted to transition but I hadn’t realized how much it would mentally help. When I came to the meeting I felt so feminine–my high voice and girly curved body definitely gave me away. I just knew. Immediately I wanted to start the hormones and I wanted to start making a more definite path for myself as Corbin, the boy. Frankly, if I could change anything about myself it would most definitely be my appearance. My face, my body shape, my voice– they’re all the first things I wish could change about myself.
I remember when I first looked at the online FTM journals. I ran across Kael’s site, (no longer up) and was taken by the whole process. I took one look at everything and that night went out cross-dressing. Weeks later, I began to speculate about whether I was really transgender. The answer to me was obvious, but I was so concerned with the stigma attached to being a transsexual, that I scrutinized it to the point of disbelief.

What if I really am? What am I going to tell mom and dad? You’re not going to tell them. This isn’t happening.

I have been trying to pass as male lately. Unfortunately, I’m still a wee-bit on the feminine side which leaves me in the little-woman-with-a-dress-on category for the bathrooms.

May 24, 2004

About two months ago Jesse and I cleared out my wardrobe of girls clothes (not that I had many) and we agreed to keep an eye out for new clothes. We went shopping and spent about a billion-and-one dollars buying new clothes that would help to hide my figure and make me look more boyish. This helped a lot and recently people have been calling me sir, even with my high pitched voice that I can’t stand. Thank you Banana Republic!
The process of transitioning is slow, but it gives me time to think and prepare for the next step.
 

June 14, 2004

I have been researching doctors here in Houston so that I can hopefully start T soon. This has been and interesting week. Last week I told my mom about the whole trans issue–actually, I didn’t tell her as much as I admitted. It seems that she has been in denial of the issue for pretty much my entire life. I don’t blame her because we do come from different walks of life: I, the open-minded do whatcha want kind, and my mother the Catholic rule-abider. So we will always be set apart. She said everything fit together; everything from me dressing up as Superman and being tomboy as a child, as well as my “differentness.” Honestly, I do think she is handling this quite well. The rough part of the discussion was when I brought up transitioning. Mom turned stark white and almost passed out.

The next morning my mother told dad about my desire to transition. I’m not too sure how to handle his response, but I should have seen it coming. You see, he only responded by stating that “school is my priority.” Nothing in life matters more to my father than education.

Mom reported back to me the following week that she talked with my grandfather about the Corbin/transition thing.

My grandfather is uptight,  a gender-roles conservative, and will follow you with a vacuum cleaner if you step on his beloved carpet. He is out-of-this-world uptight, but still very loving and accepting. When mom told him about my transition, Grandpa explained to her that people are just born that way and it doesn’t make them bad, just different. Mom told him that she felt there was little she could do about the issue and his response was “BACK OFF” of it.

Hip-Hip-Hooray for grandpa!
All-in-all I think I will be able to get through everything. It seems that coming out to my parents as trans was much easier than coming out as a lesbian. I guess they might have been anticipating this for years and it probably started to linger on their minds when a family friend recently came out as trans.
 

June 15, 2004

You know, I never noticed this, but I have large feet (size 10 1/2 men).
 

June 21, 2004

Parents skirting the issue. Mom reaching out. I want a chromosome test. $$$. Jesse and I have been working very hard on the website. We hope that the updates will benefit someone out there…
 

July 3, 2004

Working inside the Standards of Care system can be tough and frustrating, although if I get frustrated at at, I will most certainly become annoyed with every other part of the transition process. I do respect the standards though.
 

July 5, 2004

Jesse and I agreed which surgeon I will have top surgery with. At first we were debating between Dr. Peter Raphael in Plano, Texas and Dr. Brownstein in San Fran, but we both unanimously agreed that Dr. Brownstein has more consistent results even though his nipple placement does not seem to be as nice. The primary reason that we favor Dr. Brownstein is that he yields incredibly consistent result. Furthermore,Dr. Brownstein seems to be the highest regarded FTM top surgeon. Dr. Peter Raphael certainly is an excellent surgeon as well. I started saving to pay for the surgery and it looks like I can have it within a reasonable time after starting hormones. I hope that after I start testosterone, my parents will be more apt to aid with the expense. It’s hard for them to understand me sometimes, but I respect them for trying.
 

August 23, 2004

We moved into a new apartment and the internet took forever to get up and running, but thanks to eBay we were able to get the equipment. Although one month has passed, there haven’t been many changes. One thing that has occurred is that I spoke to my mom more about Corbin. She already knew, but we had not had a chance to sit down and discuss it in more detail. I actually went to a PFLAG meeting here in town; after the meeting I gave my mom a call because I really wanted to tell her about it. We started to talk and she became very open with me about her feelings. Tthe best part is, is that she acknowledges “Corbin” and my needs. In fact, she let me know that she supports anything I need to do in order to be happy.

“It must be better to have a son, than no child at all.”  – Corbin’s Mom

 

September 8, 2004

Next week I will be pick up the letter of approval for me to seek hormone treatment. I’m not sure when I am going to make the appointment though. I think that starting testosterone will help mom and dad progress, but hurt Jesse. To be frank, I don’t believe she is ready for me to start. When we first met, she imagined us in the future as a lesbian couple. But as time progressed, we came to realize that just wasn’t the case. We will continue to talk things over and eventually I will make the appointment. Yes, I do need to start hormones for myself, but I’m not at a breaking point and I don’t want to hurt Jesse by starting. I’m willing to wait for both of us.
 

September 24, 2004

I picked up the letter and made an appointment with a local endocrinologist who works with the local transgender community. Jesse came over to me and let me know that she was ready for me to start. Lately, I have been going to her and continually asking why she all of a sudden said she was ready. I am guessing that her readiness came when she met another post-T, post-op FTM. I don’t know why he was different but somehow she clicked. We can always cancel the appointment if necessary.
Apologies for my poor writing today…right now I’m watching my British Literature distance education tape….the guy could not get any duller if he tried.

October 25, 2004

I’m sorry about the one month delay between journal entries. We have been studying for midterms. I’ll make it up to everyone. This weekend we will develop the testosterone: Month by Month skeleton of the website for all 12 months of the first year. The section will include comparison pictures, journal, and full photo documentation. I hope it will be very informative. So far, our drafts of what will be included are excellent and there is no doubt in our minds that it will answer some unanswered questions for our online readers.
 

November 11, 2004 

Today was my first appointment with the endocrinologist here in Houston. At a glance, the office was decent. It was modern, up-to-date, and clean, with a friendly staff. Dr. Keith Smith had a very open demeanor and was willing to work with me, however he requires a few extra precautions. First, he asked me to chart my temperature for one month. Dr. Keith Smith explained that he would like to “know what we’re starting with before we mess everything all up.” He seems to be on top of things and so far has demonstrated a wealth of knowledge. He has an excellent reputation in the community, although my personal standards are much higher than others in their early 20’s. My next appointment should be in 3-4 weeks.
 

November 22, 2004

The chart that Dr. Keith Smith asked me to fill out is progressing. I am surprised that a female’s temperature varies over the course of her cycle. I did not realize how much of a range there is.

December 9, 2004

Jesse and I went to see Dr. Keith Smith today. He said I should continue to do the temperature chart. In a week I will have labs taken and he said that if all is clear I may start the testosterone 2 weeks later. For now, my temperature chart for most of November is posted.

December 14, 2004

Lab work today at the doctors office

December 26, 2004 

The time is near…
 

January 5, 2005 : Preparation and Appointment

The time has come…
Tomorrow I will receive my first injection of testosterone at Dr. Smith’s office. I went in for my appointment today and we discussed dosage and future lab work. Jesse and I am both confident that he will appropriately monitor my transition. In fact, we believe he is being fairly cautious, thus raising our opinion of him. Our main concern is his cost of care, which is moderately high, but so far everything has easily been taken care of and it looks as if we will be able to handle the future expenses.  I will begin with 1/2 cc injections every two weeks of the 200mg Depo-Testosterone until it begins to balance. Until then, Dr. Smith will run my testosterone levels before each injection. The cost of the test is $155 every 2 weeks, however it looks as if we may get a self-pay discount. My research shows that my insurance company will not cover any testosterone related-expenses because it is an elective procedure, and it is altogether unpredictable. For now we will forge forward, first with the Depo-Testosterone and make changes in the future on an as-needed basis. The university has the 200mg 10ml vial for $100. Most likely in the future we will wish to cut costs, but for now we have decided to go with the brand name–especially for these first 6 months while my body adjusts.
My folks have been coming around quite a bit and they are an honor to have by my side. It is Jesse’s and my opinion that they have come to the realization that this is incredibly important to me. In fact, along with everyone else in the world they have noticed the change in mood that my hope has brought on.

Ever since deciding to go forward with the transition, making the promise to myself that no one would stop me, I have become more relaxed and at ease. My issues with depression have faded dramatically and it is as if things have more meaning, no matter how cliche it sounds. In fact, my lust for life and vigor have changed too.

My parents have not only been helpful but so have my friends, coworkers, and animals. Both my friends and my coworkers have been referring to me as Corbin almost constantly and they all seem just as excited as I am. It is amazing how much a good support system can help, especially in times like these.
I would like to jump back to this morning before the prescription. I had work earlier today and went in fairly at ease and excited with my new project (complete revamp of another website), but as the day progressed I began to feel sick. My coworkers noticed that I was pale and trembling. As a matter of fact my stomach was in knots and I was constantly light headed. At first I thought it was an effect of my time of the month, but it soon came to me that I was nervous sick. By the time I made it to the doctor’s office it felt like anything could send me to the nearest trash can. After the appointment I was finally able to handle some food and watch some CSI, but oddly enough I’m getting the jitters just writing here in the journal. Jesse thinks that I am so nervous and scared about everything that it’s effecting me physically. I can’t agree with her more. Whether these reactions are psychological or not I still feel them. And yes, I am scared.
Tomorrow, I become a man.

Pre-Testosterone: January 5, 2005

Hair : Hair never grows more than 3/4 inch on legs and underarms. No hair on face, belly, thighs…
Libido : Low, average for female
Voice : High. Never mistaken for a female voice.
Sweat : Low
Acne : Blackheads on nose. Minor breakouts during monthly cycle. Oily Complexion.
Skin Smoothness : Silky Smooth.
Strength : Ha. None. I can lift a mouse!
Energy : Medium. Will rise with a bit of exercise.
Appetite : Huge. Three meals a day + snacks. I eat constantly.
Sleep : Need for about 13 hours a night. Can sleep all day. This has been constant since childhood.
Self-Esteem : Low. Issues with female appearance.
Attention Span : Low
Anxiety/Compulsions : Nail and lip biting
Menstruation : Once a month
Anger Level : Non-issue. Was an issue during teenage years
Relationship Issues : None..sometimes petty annoyances during high stress times
Body Fat : 26%
Weight : 150 lbs
Height : 5’6 feet
Waist : 35 inches
Thigh : 24.25 inches
Calf : 14.75 inches
Hips : 39.5 inches
Neck : 12.5 inches
Upper Arm : 11.25 inches
Forearm : 9.5 inches
Chest/Bust : 34.5 inches
Shoulder-to-Shoulder : 17 inches
Ring Size : 6 Men’s
Pant Size : 30×31
Men’s Shirt Size : X- Small
Men’s Shoe Size : 10 1/2

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